Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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