There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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