i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
