hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
