Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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