my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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