please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
