Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
