The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
