Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
