I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
