I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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