i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You left your phone here
Wait...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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