Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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