it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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