I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
