i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
