i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
