I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
