My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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