We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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