I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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