You're so nebulous sometimes
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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