im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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