I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
