I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
