I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
