You can't special order awesome
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
