you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
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The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
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We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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