I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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