"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
