Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
