She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
