I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How does one acquire holy water?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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