There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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