drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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