You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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