he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
