Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
