just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
