I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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