So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
