i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
FUCK WHALES
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
