What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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