it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
