ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
