I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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