I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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