i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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