I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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