I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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