mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
