i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
