one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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