omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
