You work out of a Hotel?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you win again, gameday.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
