Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
