i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We have so much sex to catch up on
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
