Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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