Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
