i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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