i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
